My Menu


A selection of traditional Spanish  & Mediterranean dishes

Chorizo in Red Wine

Sliced chorizo sausage in a red wine reduction.

Calamares Fritos

Squid rings in a light tempura batter, served with a home-made smoked garlic aioli.

Sardine Pâté

A freshly-made sardine and tomato pâté with sticks of crusty bread for dipping.

Patatas Bravas

Roasted cubes of potato in a tomato and chilli sauce.

Gambas Ajillo

Langoustines in a garlic butter.

Croqeutas a Jamon

Ham and cheese croquettes.

Tortilla espanol

The classic Spanish omelette, with peppers, ham, mushrooms, potato and onions.

Setas con Ajo

Mushrooms in a garlic and white wine.

Boquerones en Vinagre

Salted anchovies in a white wine vinegar


A slightly spicy beef & pork meatball, in tomato sauce

Smoked Salmon and Olive Pâté toasts

Slices of baguette with a duck and black olive pâté, topped with a sliver of smoked salmon.

Asparagus Fondue 

A fondue of asparagus and gruyere cheese, served with chunks of fried bread to dip.



Seasonal and local, and loosely inspired by French classics

Smoked salmon, with a smoked trout, horseradish & dill roulade

A slice of smoked salmon rolled around a smoked trout pâté (with a little bite) on lightly-toasted blinis.


Pan-fried foie gras

Normandy foie gras on a lightly fried baguette slice, served with an apple salad and confit of figs.


Grilled asparagus in hollandaise (v)

A fresh mix of local green and white asparagus grilled with salt & pepper and slathered in Hollandaise sauce.


Queen scallops

Sautéed queen scallops served on a slice of fondant sweet potato with saffron mayonnaise, cubes of beetroot and a pea & mint purée, with a smoky bacon and black pudding crumb.


Chef’s salad

Crisp mesclun salad and cherry tomatoes with warm peppered smoked mackerel, honey-roasted beetroot cubes, new potatoes and walnuts, in a horseradish and balsamic dressing. Available without mackerel for a vegetarian option.


French onion soup (v)

Traditional french onion soup, made with three types of onion, with a melted gruyere baguette slice on top.


Bruschetta sharing plate (v)

If nothing takes your fancy, try a sharing plate of eight bruschetta, mostly vegetarian, including classics like tomato, basil & garlic; black olive tapenade; blue cheese & shallot; spicy sardine pâté and sesame prawn.



Seasonal and local, tried & tested favourites.

Lobster rolls*

The classic shredded lobster and butter-mayonnaise on a roll, with salad leaves and thin crispy chips.



Pan-fried hake on crab crushed roast potatoes, with baked vine cherry tomatoes, slices of fennel and a fennel & chive beurre blanc.



Bacon-wrapped monkfish tail in a mustard beurre blanc, served with new potatoes in chive butter and classic French lentils.


Blackened river trout*

Baked trout in a ginger, spring onion & garlic jam, served with a light celery & coriander risotto and steamed Chinese leaves.




A handful of extra vegetarian specials.

Pumpkin & pistachio risotto (v)

A delicious sweet & savoury creamy risotto with fresh pumpkin or squash and crushed pistachios.


Forest mushroom risotto (v)

A classic, made with cepes, morelle & girolle mushrooms and flavoured with truffle oil.


Cauliflower & almond risotto (v)

With saffron, powdered truffle and a full glass of Marsala.


Three bean & lentil Moussaka (v)

A vegetarian twist on the traditional Greek dish, made with aubergines, courgettes, chickpeas, white beans, red and green lentils in a tomato and garlic sauce with three-cheese topping.


Spinach, ricotta & pine nut fetuccine (v)

A classic pasta combination, given a little twist with a dry sherry sauce base.


Spiced cauliflower & tahini tagine (v)

A North African tagine of cous-cous, with dates, dried fruit, spiced roasted cauliflower and sun-dried tomatoes.


Bombay saag aloo (v)

The classic potato & spinach curry served with home-made roti and basmati rice.


Slow-roast lamb

Slow-roasted lamb shoulder in rosé wine, rosemary and garlic served with roast potatoes, minted peas and creamed leeks.


Steak frites

Fillet steak with thin crispy chips, and a choice of traditional, peppercorn, blue cheese or mustard béarnaise sauce.


Pulled pork sandwiches

Juicy slow-roasted pork belly meat served on a burger bun with spicy coleslaw and chunky chips.


Duck breast

Pan-fried duck breast, served with a black cherry sauce, hasselback potatoes and sautéed green beans.


Mediterranean lamb three ways

A French-dressed lamb chop in a mint & parsley crumb, a Turkish ‘Lady’s Thigh’ kofte meatball and slow-roasted lamb ragout in a blend of North African spices, served with truffle mashed potatoes and braised baby carrots, or roasted Mediterranean vegetables.


The Hemingway burger

This is almost famous amongst family, friends and returning guests, and is my most-requested creation!


Cooked according to a recipe created by Ernest Hemingway in 1953, served with bacon, gherkins and melted brie with salad and chips


Trio of curries

A red-hot chicken Balti, a delicious vegetarian mushroom & potato Madras and a Saag Aloo lamb & spinach make up this ‘traffic lights’ set of curries, served with basmati rice and a home-made roti.




Personal cheese platter

A selection of 5 (mainly local) cheeses, served with fresh bread, crackers, grapes and sliced apple and pear. Cheeses vary from week to week, but the selection normally includes: mimolette, cheddar, comté, emmental, gruyere, camembert, brie, époisses, reblochon, coulommiers, roquefort, bleu d’auvergne and goat’s cheeses, flavoured and unflavoured.


Table cheese platter

A larger selection of 10 cheeses, served with fresh bread, crackers and sliced fruit.


Spiced apple & rum tart

My variant on the local ‘tarte Normande’, lightly cinnamon-spiced apples slices on a rum custard in a pastry tarte base, served with chantilly cream or ice cream.


Steamed pears in a tarragon & cognac crème

Cored pears steeped in cognac  and slowly steamed, served with a tarragon and cognac flavoured cream.


Triple chocolate mousse

A light white chocolate whipped cream mousse atop a milk chocolate egg-white mousse and a dark chocolate thick crème patissier.


Home-made ice cream

Flavours alter from month to month, but have included chocolate, orange & clove; coffee with roasted whole coffee beans, and vanilla & Baileys.


Home-made sorbets

Again, flavours change according to available ingredients, but have included blood-orange; lavender; rose-petal; calvados (local apple brandy) and fig.







Fuck-filled Twatypus


You have found the original source of the phrase ‘fuck-filled twatypus’. After trying to one-up the cockwombles and jizzferrets, I realised that rarer, more endangered species opened the door to better profane puns.

And so, the duck-billed platypus became the fuck-filled twatypus. I’m hoping it will catch on. I first used it about Nigel Farage, the UK’s cozy (and punchable) face of racism. But since, it’s been used for Donald Trump, Marine Le Pen and Boris Johnson. There are many fuck-filled twatypuses in the world.

So, just to be sure of the Google hit. Me. I coined it.

Motorboat My (Water) Melons


Tipsy Watermelon, Gorgonzola, Prosciutto and Pecan Salad

There have been actual real-life academic studies into the aphrodisiac qualities of watermelon. Like practically every other ingredient, they were sadly cock-blocked by science. However, once again, they might just, if you’re lucky (or unlucky, depending on how you look at it) be a potency aid.

The active ingredient in these fleshy orbs of watery goodness is called citrulline. Our bodies convert this to argenine, which boosts nitric oxide, which in turns relaxes blood vessels. So once again, basically natural Viagra. The downside is that the citrulline is concentrated in the barely-edible rind. They’re also a great source of lycopene, which is also good for heart health and circulation. But the proof of this one is definitely in the eating.

Maybe it’s that bright pink colour, or how wet and messy they get you when you dive into a big slice. Or how about spitting those seeds out, through moistened puckered lips. There’s just something inherently messily sexy about eating a watermelon.

So obviously there’s going to have to be a nice big slice of moist, juicy watermelon on the side, so that you can feel those juices dribbling down my chin, but otherwise this is a great starter or side salad, with maybe a nice juicy pink steak and a nice roughly ripped chunk of crusty bread.


Quarter of a watermelon, chopped into bite-sized cubes

A mix of salad leaves, I’ve used rocket and lamb’s lettuce

300g of Gorgonzola, or a similar salty blue cheese. Roquefort or Stilton are good stand-ins.

A large handful of pecans.

Three or four strips of prosciutto, or a similar cured ham.

For the dressing: A shot of vodka, white balsamic vinegar and olive oil


I often read recipes for salads and think “Really? People need instructions on how to put together a salad?” But apparently some people do. So here goes nothing. Put the ingredients in a bowl. Mix. Serve. Drizzle with dressing, which is equal parts vodka, vinegar and oil, mixed frantically in a cup with a fork. Eat.

The World Is Your Oyster

I’ve mentioned oysters more than once before, and of course they’re currently out of season. But I’m missing them, so thought I’d post the first mention of them from my book, ‘Aphrodisiacs’.


Let’s face it, the oyster is pretty much the daddy of all aphrodisiacs. It’s the first food people think of when they’re asked to come up with one. They also conjure up some pretty mystical and magical feelings, I mean there are very few other foods that have live streaming websites. I kid you not, you really can watch oyster beds live on camera.

But all this oyster-worship is a little odd, since Aphrodite herself is normally shown rising from the sea in a scallop shell, not an oyster shell. It obviously derives all its power from that sympathetic magic, My “E” number 2, the enigma. But there’s not much of an enigma about it, really. I mean they are stacked full of zinc, which is good for the libido, but you’d need to eat about half a ton to make any serious difference. But let’s just be honest from the outset. The oyster looks a bit like certain lady parts, and that moist, slurpy method of eating them that we generally prefer, is just, well, frankly somewhat cunnilingual, if I may just make up an adverb.

Now you can do plenty of things with oysters, but I’m afraid that for my money, you can’t beat them live and raw with just the teeniest splash of tabasco, accompanied by a lovely crisp white wine. Champagne completes the cliché, but I prefer something with fewer bubbles tickling my tonsils, like a Loire-valley Sancerre or Touraine.

We’ve even developed a rude-sounding word for the preparation of this salty, tasty, gooey little bivalve mollusc, and who doesn’t enjoy a damn good shuck? So here’s probably the easiest recipe you’ll read today.

Live Fresh Oysters (half-a-dozen each at least)

For the rash amongst you, perhaps a little lemon juice, tabasco or a light vinegar

Hold the oyster with the cup-shaped shell in the palm of your hand, and the flat shell face-up. Take your flat-bladed stubby shucking knife, or any flat, broad sharp knife. Find the hinge, and work your knife in (just the tip!) between the shells near one of the corners of the hinge. Ease it gently in, and run it all the way around to the other edge of the hinge before tilting the knife to make the hinge ‘pop’. Separate the shells, and run your knife underneath the oyster flesh to sever it from the shell. Be careful not to tip it, or you’ll waste all those yummy juices. Splash on whatever sauce takes your fancy (or don’t), and slurp the whole thing back in one go.